“Human beings are hardwired to connect. We are drawn to one another by our own chemistry. We produce attachment hormones that create intimacy. We build ‘neuro-bridges’ that bond us… brain to brain… heart to heart. Those bonds, once formed, are not meant to be broken.” ~Character of Jake Baum in the Fox television show “Touch”.
The idea that we are chemically drawn to one another and that romantic love and sexual attraction are rooted in biology is an interesting, but controversial topic. Though some might believe this concept shatters all romantic notions, I believe it could actually explain how romance really starts and how it can be kept alive, at least in part. It might not only validate our attraction to someone and its intensity, especially when no other explanation can be found, but it might also justify staying together when all else seems lost… until it can be recovered.
What really bonds us forever? Is it great sex? Fear of being alone and the comfort of companionship? A sense of loyalty or obligation? The responsibility of raising children and maintaining a family unit? A shared history woven so closely together that the fabric of our lives (and I’m not talking cotton) becomes inseparable without the risk of destroying it and ourselves completely in the process? Or simply a sense of loss too great to imagine given that the “Other” truly feels like half of our “Whole”, and life, though always livable alone, would be only half as enjoyable without them.
I think the answer is probably different for everyone and, perhaps most romantic notions aside, never so simple as to be boiled down to only one reason. But, I also think chemistry plays a big role in it.
Someone asked me recently if I really knew of any good (I assumed they meant happy), marriages. The answer is yes, I do. Several, actually. Over the 10 year mark too. None of them are perfect. All of them have had their share of troubles and discord, almost ending in some cases. All of them required work and both partners have said that at times it was/is very hard, but all of them are happier for having fought through and stayed together. All of them suggest that staying together is still a daily decision and that nothing, most especially each other, should ever be taken for granted.
Interestingly enough, there is a common theme among them. Passion. All of the successful marriages I know are rooted in some form of intense chemical connection and a passion for one another that is unparalleled, both physically and emotionally, and equally so. This would support the theory that we are hardwired to connect and remain bonded through chemistry, at least in part.
Studies have shown that sexual pheramones attract us to viable mating candidates. Other studies indicate that neuro-chemicals, like oxytocin, promote pair bonding. And, hundreds of years of poetry and literature tell us that once connections are formed, it is unduly painful for them to be broken.
I don’t mean to suggest that chemistry and the physical passion it inspires is the only, or even the most important, component to a successful relationship (I get it, Uncle Steve, trust me). We all know couples, and/or have been in relationships ourselves, that are physically passionate, but lack other substance. This is not what I’m talking about.
A friend of mine, whose marriage is one of the great examples of success, said it best. After more than 30 years together, she and her husband are best friends above all others. Though they squabble on occasion and have heated debates on certain topics, they have a deep respect and a healthy regard for one another, and philosophically agree on most fundamental levels. They genuinely like each other. They have different interests and enjoy time apart on occasion, but have always preferred to spend most of their time in each other’s company. So much so, that expensive and exotic vacations have been unnecessary; they have fun doing anything together, even the simplest of things at home.
This friend and her husband have shared a very long history, complete with its fair share of heartbreak and drama. Their children are now grown with families of their own. Despite their age and many years together, and throughout the troubles life throws at them, as well as despite the problems inherent in combining two different personalities under one roof, they still “make out” often like teenagers and enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company over most everything else.
When I asked her what kept them together through thick and thin, besides just genuinely enjoying each other’s company, her answer didn’t really surprise me given what I’ve come to believe about Chemistry 101. She told me that when all else fails, that primal connection to one another, that intense chemical attraction unique to one another, and the need to be close to one another on that basest of levels, can sustain a relationship during hard times and remind you of what drew you together in the first place.
There’s got to be something to it; it’s kept them together for more than 30 years! It’s something I’ve seen in other successful marriages, as well.
While chemistry might not be the key to success for every couple (I suppose that goes back to each couple’s motivation to form a lasting bond), I do believe that biological and chemical forces of nature are at work in what draws us together. In all but arranged marriages and those of convenience, anyway. I have also come to believe it’s what could sustain us when all else fails, but only if we are lucky enough to enjoy the other key elements of a successful relationship, as well.
Good communication, respect, trust, compassion, the ability to forgive and let go of past hurt and not harbor resentment, as well as a genuine appreciation for each other as individuals are still the tenets of a successful relationship. Chemistry might give us our initial connection, set the stage for intimacy, and provide a strongly motivated potential fail-safe, but true intimacy is developed over time under these tenets. Such intimacy, both physical and emotional, is what I believe causes us to become truly bonded… not just body to body and brain to brain… but heart to heart.
So, while connections rooted in a strong chemistry are certainly rare, those developed into the most intimate of bonds are rarer still. What’s more, they take effort to maintain, and should be preserved at all costs. Such bonds are truly not meant to be broken.
The One Thing 